Great news, that last report by those UN scientists on Climate Change. Who ever said scientists were all grim bad news folk. The planet is warming up and we, yes, us humans, are very much responsible. Does anyone know what that means? It means that we, yes, us humans again, have the power, in our hands, to even further warm up this planet. Yes, I know, the folk between the Tropics of Cancer and Capricorn might not be as delighted as me, what with the increase in extreme weather – flooding, hurricanes, really hot spells. But, for us, it’s just the opposite. We can look forward to shorter, milder winters, more deserts we can call our own, hotter summers, more beaches as water levels rise and sweep away all that ugly construction blocking the view of homes higher up. Are there any disadvantages? Some. Nothing we can’t handle. I’ll get to that later.
Right now, as the northern hemisphere slips into fall, I yearn for climate change. It’s time to think about doing something to ward off those tiresome, inevitable winter onslaughts. Thinking how happy and comfortable he looked, I leapt into the lake to swim with my dog. The water was not cold. It was glacial. the stuff of hypothermia. For a moment I considered the possibility that my dog is not my best friend. Another moment and it was obviously a revelation of not quite biblical proportions. My mind filled with visions of all sorts, mainly hot sun and warm beaches, as my limbs quickly stiffened. It was a moment in which I finally understood how much I yearned for global warming. Call it an epiphany.
Now that the IPCC (the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change) has shown us the way, we should get cracking. We shouldn’t be voting for those political parties who want to pressure car companies to build smaller, fuel efficient vehicles. That’ll only slow down and, sadly, perhaps even reverse the global warming process. Ditto for those who would subsidize clean energy development or impose, and I can hardly say the words without shuddering, carbon taxes. Shun them! What are they thinking! These crusaders might even have a personal interest in stopping climate change and keeping us all in the deep freeze for so many months of the year. They may even be in the direct pay of the green crowd, those pesky environmentalists. No accusations. Just thinking out loud.
So, what’s the downside? It’s not that big. Yes, it’s there, but probably manageable. China and India might have a little trouble finding enough drinking water as the Himalayan glaciers melt away – good riddance – and so see crop failures and perhaps have to deal with some refugees (a few tens of millions at the most, I would guess). Some cities at lower sea levels – Amsterdam, New York, Venice, Shanghai and a few others – may have to spend a little more on dykes and walls to protect against rising water levels. Some microbial parasites, which are comfortable at higher average temperatures, will most certainly relocate northwards and perhaps kill off a few million of the less hardy folk.
But, hey, no pain no gain, isn’t that the slogan. And the gains will be fabulous for the survivors. There’s the obvious warmer temperature and, when it’s well below zero and your eyeballs are starting to freeze, a few degrees makes a big difference. We shouldn’t forget the extra room. There will be a lot fewer of us. But let’s not focus on the transition period to that inevitably much smaller world population. It will not last forever. There will be the world wars, hopefully short, but probably harsh, as people fight for scarcer and scarcer resources. There will be the mega deaths from famine and extreme weather events and, of course, from the new plagues moving north, for which no one has any natural immunity. Then bliss, in warmer weather and lots of open, empty spaces.
And, it gets even better. Not very much of that annoying technology that’s dehumanizing us will survive – no mobile phones, no one to repair failing infrastructure like the ugly highway system, no more convenience stores, if any stores at all, no more television (and those really trying shows like Breaking Bad, Mad Men), no more movies. In fact, no more much other really irritating stuff. And, that Northwest Passage through the ice free Arctic that everyone is gushing about, we won’t need it anymore because world trade in shabby goods will be non-existent.
Am I a climate change denier? Not at all. I yearn for it. What’s not to like about Climate Change?
